Life Comes at You Fast
Life is full of cycles – new becomes old and is exchanged for new again; summer becomes fall and marches decisively through winter and spring right back to summer. All that is familiar and comfortable in our lives ebbs and flows with each cycle until we look up one day and discover everything we value most in life has morphed once again into yet another strange, new beginning. I have lived enough life so that this process should not take me by surprise, yet after weeks and months of the hustle and bustle of wedding preparations and a mixture of loved ones filling the house with love and laughter, I found myself sitting alone in my living room surrounded only by silence and an explosion of left-over wedding paraphernalia, feeling somewhat betrayed. I should have seen it coming, but it took me unaware and knocked me off my feet for a while. Perhaps the unidentified emotion I had been pushing away and ignoring for the past several days should have been my wake up call, but I was too busy to allow myself to acknowledge it much less analyze it. It had almost overwhelmed me as I sat watching and listening to my son officiate my daughter’s wedding while my other two daughters stood by as maid of honor and brides maid. I kept seeing flashes of them as my little babies at various ages – the first time I held them, their first steps, their first day at school, bedtime stories, baptisms, graduations… As I sat alone in my living room thinking first about the beautiful wedding and then getting lost again in sweet memories of my babies, “the emotion” once again threatened to choke me. In a flash, however, I remembered the first time I had felt this way. The day we had brought Kandice and Kourtney home from the hospital, I stood over them, their clean diapers and clothes laid out ready to put on them, and froze. I had changed thousands of diapers on their older brother yet I couldn’t for the life of me remember how to change one now! A deep, paralyzing fear gripped me as I pondered the implications of what lay ahead for my husband and I once we got home with these two little bundles. We were now the parents of three children; three little humans that God had entrusted into our care to prepare to become grounded in His Word, ready to fulfill His purpose for their lives.
“Lord, can I fulfill your command for me as their mother?” but
“Lord, did I finish? Did I do all that you asked of me? Did I leave anything out?”
I guess most mothers deal with this the day they realize their nest is empty. Me? As deliriously happy as I was for my children to be stepping into their new roles with their mates, I felt so lost and afraid as I sat alone in my quiet house contemplating, once again, the implications of coming full cycle in this stage of my life. The answer to my question is a resounding yes – our children have grown into magnificent man and women of God who serve and worship Him openly not only in their daily lives but through various missions, etc. God has filled in the gaps where my husband and I have fallen short in our sincere endeavors to raise them the way He commanded us to do. I couldn’t be prouder of them, and often I feel my spiritual walk pales in comparison to theirs. But now what?
At 51 years of age I had an overwhelming desire to crawl up on my mommy’s lap and pour out my heart to her. The miles that separate us physically may have kept me from touching her, but it could never keep me from reaching out to her as I picked up my phone and proceeded to gain insight and wisdom from my own Godly mother. She helped me see that my role as mother may be redefined now, but it is no less important.
God has not given me this spirit of fear – I have to claim responsibility for that on my own.
And even though this new beginning may have taken me somewhat by surprise, it did not catch Him unaware. I may not know exactly what the parameters are for my new role, but God does. I do know this new chapter holds some exciting things – new relationships with a magnificent daughter-in-law and two wonderful sons-in-law, the amazing joy of being a grandmother, and valuable quality time with my amazing husband. But I know from experience He will be there to guide my way and define this new chapter.
It seems only appropriate that one of my daughters posted this quote on her Facebook page this morning:
“God’s care comes in many forms. God’s guidance is God caring enough to lead you to better places than you would have chosen for yourself.” ~ Paul Tripp
Robin Kelley
I am just an ordinary middle-aged woman striving to make a difference one word at a time. . . no matter what hat I am wearing at the time.
