Lord, Am I Broken?

Several months ago I felt compelled to pray that God would allow me to genuinely SEE people through His eyes.  Now, I do not take any prayer lightly, and, certainly, I was sincere when I made this request.  Though I fully expected to be changed, I was not prepared for the variety of emotions I would encounter on my journey much less the pain and confusion I found myself wrestling.  I discovered “seeing” through Jesus’ eyes not only altered my viewpoint, it altered my perspective.  Much like you can hear a sound but not necessarily listen to it, I found you can look at someone and not necessarily see them.  Listening and seeing require a totally different level of personal commitment.  Through a great deal of soul-searching, I have discovered the clarity with which I see the world around me depends on the level of investment I am willing to demand of myself.

• I have to be willing to give the best of myself and receive nothing in return.
• I have to be willing to be totally transparent knowing I’m making myself vulnerable.
• I have to be willing to sacrifice all that I have to save those who have nothing – no hope, no Savior, no future.
• I have to be willing to trade my safely guarded heart for one that is broken and bleeding.
• I have to be willing for my perspective to change regarding every aspect of my life – both large and small.
• I must be willing to love the Lord my God with ALL my heart, soul, strength, and mind.
• I must be willing to love my neighbor as myself.

It was not easy.  Quite honestly, the pain I witnessed very often brought me to my knees with a longing to “fix” situations over which I have no control.  My heart broke with a love that could not be contained within the confines of my own weakness.  Every time I became overwhelmed and longed to look away, I realized I could no more stop seeing or caring or loving than I could erase the images that are forever etched onto my heart.

These last several months have been full of intense soul-searching during which I have felt drawn closer and closer to God.  At the same time, however, I have felt my relationships with several of my brothers and sisters in Christ have become more distant and strained as they began questioning me and the wisdom of my choices.   The very people I would have expected to join me at Jesus’ feet, crying out in prayer, appeared to condone the pain I was witnessing.  I have often asked myself how we could see the world so differently.  If we were all serving the same loving God, how could we all so fervently believe we were following God’s will?  My prayer changed at that point: “Please make the truth plain to me.  Give me wisdom.” Chills go down my spine as I look back on the amazing ways He answered me!

I was taught a long time ago that the truth would line up with the Scriptures completely and totally every time.  Recently, I began reading Nehemiah.  You may remember the Jews were just returning to Jerusalem after having been exiled from their home; however, the walls were all torn down and the gates burned.  This left them weak, vulnerable and hopeless.  Upon hearing this news from a dear friend Nehemiah spent the next four months in mourning, fasting and praying to God.  I want to point out he wasn’t just upset; he was devastated.  This news about the state of his city – of his people – hurt him to the very heart of his soul.  

He was more than just passionate – He was broken.

In Alabama people are passionate over their football team.  Toddlers are passionate about getting their way.  Teenagers are passionate about getting the keys to the car. People are passionate about their politics.  But there is a vast difference between that kind of passion and

being broken

               and poured out

at the feet of Jesus.

• One is very focused on achieving a goal that will fulfill their own desire.
• The other is focused on the needs of someone else.

• One is focused on convincing other people to do what he/she wants them to do.
• The other turns to God and asks for His will to be done.

• One is passionate.
• The other is broken.

It is not my job to judge the motives of anyone else’s heart; however, as I read Nehemiah, I want to see what I can learn in order to make sure I am staying true to God’s call for me.  With that in mind I want to share the second thing God did to validate my choices.

Several days ago I met a young lady who shared with me that she will be spending 11 months of the next year on the mission field backpacking into 11 different countries to share the gospel with women and girls who are victims of sex trafficking slavery.  Wow!  I thought.  As we were talking, goose bumps went down my spine when she shared how her group had prayed that they would be broken. She took my breath away!

I don’t believe in coincidences.  What an awesome way for Him to answer my prayer, right?  See why I get chills just thinking about it?  I can’t worry about other people’s passions and viewpoints.  I am only responsible for answering God’s call for ME which means:

• I AM willing to give the best of myself and receive nothing in return.
• I AM willing to be totally transparent knowing I’m making myself vulnerable.
• I AM willing to sacrifice all that I have to save those who have nothing – no hope, no Savior, no future.
• I AM willing to trade my safely guarded heart for one that is broken and bleeding.
• I AM willing for my perspective to change regarding every aspect of my life – both large and small.
• I AM striving every day to love God with all my heart, with all my soul, with all my strength and with all my mind.
• I AM striving every day to love ALL my neighbors as I love myself.

God never said following Him would be easy.  But He did say He would walk with me.

Lord, I praise you for the beautiful and amazing ways you have spoken in my life these past few days and weeks.  I am so thankful that your ways are not my ways and that your thoughts are not my thoughts for I am so weak and lowly.  Please allow me to continue seeing everyone through your eyes – not just looking but seeing.  The more I see, Lord, I pray the more I would learn to love with a pure, unconditional love like yours and the less I would be like me.  Please give me the courage to stay transparent and vulnerable as I pour myself out for your glory.  I don’t know what you want me to do with these lessons I have learned.  Please give me wisdom and discernment so that I will know what it is you will have me do next.  Please be with these people you have laid on heart.  May they feel your presence in a very real way.  May they know that you love them beyond anything they can comprehend.  Please help ease their pain.  May there be unity among your followers, Lord, as we seek to be your hands and feet to the world.  In YOUR holy and precious name that YOUR perfect will may be done forever…Amen, and Amen