Mothering the Strong Willed Child
You are My servant; I have chosen you and not rejected you. Do not fear, for I am with you; do not be afraid, for I am your God. I will strengthen you; I will help you; I will hold on to you with My righteous right hand.
Isaiah 41:9b-10
This is a blog I swore I would never write.
In fact, for years I thought it meant something was seriously wrong with me. I thought it meant I was the worst mother in the world right out of the gate. And it broke my heart. Almost 3 decades later I want to shout to the world
I AM THE PROUD MOTHER OF A STRONG-WILLED SON.
If you haven’t been blessed with iron-willed offspring, I am almost inclined to extend you my condolences. But I encourage you to read on anyway, for you just may learn something that will help you understand the next “scene” you witness in the grocery store.
If you, too, are raising a strong-willed child, you understand what I am talking about – and you are the reason I am breaking my vow of silence on the subject. You see, I know how you feel, and there are some important things I think you should know.
First, I am not an expert. I do not profess to have great wisdom that will magically glaze your days with perfection. I am just a sinner saved by grace who has been where you are and hopes I might have a few words of encouragement that will give you strength for the journey.
Second, you are not alone. I daresay if all the women who have ever been given the responsibility of raising a strong-willed child were miraculously gathered together for one day, we would be extremely surprised not only by the sheer number of women present but by the names of the families represented there. I believe they would be the mothers of men and women down through history and across the pages of Scriptures who had the strength and stamina to make a difference. You see, our children’s temperaments are not a surprise to God. He made them the masterpieces they are to fulfill His plan in general and more specifically to match the purpose He has for each one of them individually.
It is, in fact, the positive attributes of their steadfast personalities
that lays the foundations for them to fulfill their callings.
When our son was young I read and reread Dr. Dobson’s book, The Strong-Willed Child. The one thing that I can remember most vividly today is his challenge that if you can channel a strong-willed child in the right direction, he will one day do great things. This leads me to the next point I want to pass along to you. I believe motherhood is a ministry – an extremely vital ministry. Therefore, if you have been blessed with a strong-willed child, you have been CHOSEN specifically to prepare that strong will to fulfill God’s plan. It is YOUR MINISTRY. It is God’s plan for YOUR life for RIGHT NOW.
You have the choice to see it as an interruption of the dream of what you dreamed motherhood was going to be like or an opportunity with eternal consequences. Granted, it is not always an easy path, but He has promised to provide what we need and walk with us every step of the way. But I am here to tell you the journey is worth every ounce of energy you expend. I can look back now and see how every step has helped make him into the amazing man of God he is today. He is now a middle school pastor who has an amazing heart for reaching young people and spreading the Gospel. I am always amazed as I watch how patient and gentle he is with his son or how unconditionally he loves his wife. I know I am biased, but I wanted to encourage you today by letting you know that he is one of the wisest, most faithful, even-tempered men I know. And the view from the end of the journey is one of great pride, great joy, and great thankfulness. But it is his iron will that gives him the fortitude to build his ministry. Recently, his church hosted a D Now experience that they call Elevate. Over 100 middle school students attended this event where many hearts were touched and lives were changed who will in turn touch more lives and change more hearts. We will never know the full Ripple Effect from just this one experience. Oh, I wish I had known THEN what I know NOW. If I could have received an email from my son back then like the one I opened last night that said, “Mom, I’m kneeling before God, but I’m standing on your shoulders.” it would have been such an encouragement. But that was not feasible at that time.
If you have been called to this ministry, take heart. Lay your child at Jesus’ feet continually, knowing great things are ahead. When you are frustrated and confused and exhausted, know “He will strengthen you; He will help you; He will hold onto you with His righteous right hand.”
If you have not been given strong-willed children to raise, then next time you see that “scene” at the grocery store, lift that mother up in prayer for she is in the grip of a very vital, very misunderstood ministry. She can use all the understanding and encouragement she can get
and THAT just might be the ministry God is calling YOU to today.
Robin Kelley
I am just an ordinary middle-aged woman striving to make a difference one word at a time. . . no matter what hat I am wearing at the time.
16 Comments
Jamie H
Thank you for this, Robin. I unfortunately (fortunately?) know what you are talking about here!
Robin Kelley
I am glad it spoke to you, Jamie. I will be praying for you and your “determined” child.
anonymous
Thank you for this, Mrs. Kelley! I am a mom of 2 children who sit under your son’s care in our middle school ministry. I have told him time and time again how much we appreciate his incredible dedication to our children. Your strong willed son is pouring life into my children and I thank you for your ministry through the years! Thank you for the words of encouragement for those of us still in the raising up journey. I needed to hear it today! We love Pastor Kyle and Miss Becca!!!
Robin Kelley
I know they love “their kids”, too. I have felt since Kyle was about 11 or 12 that he was supposed to go into the ministry. It is a blessing to get to see God’s plan come full cycle. It is great to hear from one of his “moms”. I will keep you and your “kids” in my prayers. It
Prayer Notes by Cynthia LLC
I have two strong-willed sons and I know exactly what you are talking about. I.continuously, lay my sons at the feet of Jesus, for I know He is the only One who can handle and mold their hearts. and, I am enjoying the journey, as they are growing and becoming more disciplined, every day. Many blessings!
Marissa
Robin, Thank you. I needed this post as I am in the midst of this ministry and ache for answers and strength every second of every day. I am grateful to have a Savior who has promised to walk with me, but sometimes having another mom, who’s been there is what I need the most. Again, thank you, words just don’t say enough.
Marissa
http://forfunreadinglist.blogspot.com
Mrs. Lost it today
Just today, I’ll called my husband (a pastor) and proceeded to vent to him about how I needed a break (and I needed one last night, too–leaving him w/ the kids to eat dinner alone as SOON as he walked in the door). I know. Yikes. My husband is highly stressed in his ministry right now. I’m highly stressed at home. But the main source of my stress in this season of mothering a 3 and 5 year old at home is the 3 year old…a beautiful red headed child who is as strong willed as she is beautiful. (We can’t go anywhere without receiving a gazillion comments about her beauty). Just today, I woke to her screaming for breakfast (demanding), then her incessant ability to change her mind about what she wanted–throwing fits when I held my ground. She threw lots of fits. Next on the agenda (before 9am) was emptying out the bottle of Kitchen cleaner spray onto the floor even though she’s learned many a lesson prior to not do that. Minutes later, she’s covered herself and her baby doll in toothpaste from head to toe… and the list goes on. NOt just a busy body (that I think I could handle) but she is determined to have her way. When we provide consistent and firm boundaries, her fits rage all the more. This is supported and evidenced by the same kinds of reports from the pre school teacher and Sunday School teachers alike. Some empathize. Some criticize. Everyone has advice. Grandparents flee the scene a little more quickly (or can’t handle her at all when they visit). And all the more challenging is not allowing this to affect her brother. I’ve resorted to yelling. I’m losing it! I’m tired. And now, I’m THAT mom….the frazzled “yeller” at the grocery story who can’t shop for putting back 1,000 items pulled off by her hands. I’m the mom that can’t even GET to the store b/c of the infractions en route and my turning back home to care for the situation or in defeat to not bother trying. On top of that, I’m homeschooling my son–or trying to (I am a former educator turned stay home mom, now). It’s not working, but not for reasons one may guess. It has everything to do with the little sister. I feel so guilty. I know she’s a little person, and every now and then I get a glimpse of that and I realize I need to be more patient… but it is so hard. When I try and receive counsel from girlfriends, most can’t understand and give well intended but pat answers–trite remedies (as if I haven’t already tried EVERYTHING!!!! From creative to strict to in between). Other non-mom girlfriends just criticize me for no seeing my motherhood as a blessing–wishing they could be moms. Double guilt. Of course I MORE than love my children. You just can NOT understand unless you’ve been there. I’ve worried that something is wrong with my child, but then my husband laughs and reminds me that she is classic strong willed by definition. Text book. Only, I don’t have time to read the manual… I so desire to model Christ like love for her, but I’m never sure how this is fleshed out on mornings like this.
Thankful for my overstressed husband who had no business leaving his office today to rescue me… but left anyway to come and take the kids to his office so I could have a reprieve. Thankful to have providentially seen this article. Thanks for being open and honest. I need backup. I have one opportunity to raise her to love Jesus. I know the full weight and responsibility and I take it seriously. I want my home to permeate and radiate joy. I desire for it to be a source of comfort and retreat–where God is present. But my yelling. The stress. The frazzled pieces… How do I do this?????
Robin Kelley
I hear and understand your frustration and guilt. Your message sounds so familiar I could have written it. There were many, many evenings I met my husband at the door when he was in town and handed the kids off to him as I walked out in search of my sanity. As you have pointed out, this is not an easy ministry to which you have been called. One thing you do not point out that I am sure adds stress to your situation is the fact that your husband is a preacher; therefore, some people have a tendency to set unrealistic expectations for his family they don’t necessarily have for anyone else. I definitely understand how everyone wants to help by giving you advice. I only give you mine because you ask. First, don’t spend time and energy worrying about other’s opinion. That being said, we are often our own worst enemy. Second, I know it sounds strange to name this over anything else, but you have to take care of yourself. You cannot function at your best if you are not 100%. Work with your husband to make a plan so that you have scheduled time to recharge.
Pick your battles. Admittedly, some battles cannot be ignored; however, some can be dealt with later – after nap time for instance. Look for ways to help her feel like she has some control but limit the choices to two. Give her warning ahead of time of any changes ie in 10 minutes we are going to go brush your teeth. Remember, in five minutes we are going to go brush your teeth. Let her know you love her but sometimes you don’t like her actions. I feel like this is all coming across trite, but there really is no magic code I can give you. Even if I had discovered a formula for my son, it would not work for your daughter, too. Just remember to take one day at a time and don’t play the blame game. I am praying for you and your Beauty. I have received so much feedback on this blog I will be blogging on it again soon. Hang in there. You are not alone. You can do this.
Robin Kelley
I hear and understand your frustration and guilt. Your message sounds so familiar I could have written it. There were many, many evenings I met my husband at the door when he was in town and handed the kids off to him as I walked out in search of my sanity. As you have pointed out, this is not an easy ministry to which you have been called. One thing you do not point out that I am sure adds stress to your situation is the fact that your husband is a preacher; therefore, some people have a tendency to set unrealistic expectations for his family they don’t necessarily have for anyone else. I definitely understand how everyone wants to help by giving you advice. I only give you mine because you ask. First, don’t spend time and energy worrying about other people’s opinion. That being said, we are often our own worst enemy by expecting perfection and berating ourselves when we fall short. God did not call us to be perfect but obedient. Second, I know it sounds strange to name this over anything else, but you have to take care of yourself. You cannot function at your best if you are not 100%. Work with your husband to make a plan so that you have scheduled time to recharge.
Pick your battles. Admittedly, some battles cannot be ignored; however, some can be dealt with later – after nap time for instance. Look for ways to help her feel like she has some control but limit the choices to two. Give her warning ahead of time of any changes ie in 10 minutes we are going to go brush your teeth. Remember, in five minutes we are going to go brush your teeth. Let her know you love her but sometimes you don’t like her actions. I feel like this is all coming across trite, but there really is no magic code I can give you. Even if I had discovered a formula for my son, it would not work for your daughter, too. Just remember to take one day at a time and don’t play the blame game. I am praying for you and your Beauty. I have received so much feedback on this blog I will be blogging on it again soon. Hang in there. You are not alone. You can do this.
Robin Kelley
I hear and understand your frustration and guilt. Your message sounds so familiar I could have written it. There were many, many evenings I met my husband at the door when he was in town and handed the kids off to him as I walked out in search of my sanity. As you have pointed out, this is not an easy ministry to which you have been called. One thing you do not point out that I am sure adds stress to your situation is the fact that your husband is a preacher; therefore, some people have a tendency to set unrealistic expectations for his family they don’t necessarily have for anyone else. I definitely understand how everyone wants to help by giving you advice. I only give you mine because you ask. First, don’t spend time and energy worrying about other people’s opinion. That being said, we are often our own worst enemy by expecting perfection and berating ourselves when we fall short. God did not call us to be perfect but obedient. Second, I know it sounds strange to name this over anything else, but you have to take care of yourself. You cannot function at your best if you are not 100%. Work with your husband to make a plan so that you have scheduled time to recharge.
Pick your battles. Admittedly, some battles cannot be ignored; however, some can be dealt with later – after nap time for instance. Look for ways to help her feel like she has some control but limit the choices to two. Give her warning ahead of time of any changes ie in 10 minutes we are going to go brush your teeth. Remember, in five minutes we are going to go brush your teeth. Let her know you love her but sometimes you don’t like her actions. I feel like this is all coming across trite, but there really is no magic code I can give you. Even if I had discovered a formula for my son, it would not work for your daughter, too. Just remember to take one day at a time and don’t play the blame game. I am praying for you and your Beauty. I have received so much feedback on this blog I will be blogging on it again soon. Hang in there. You are not alone. God is right there every second.
Mrs. Lost it the other day.
thank you for taking time out of your schedule to speak with me. It means so much, and your counsel is wise. Thanks most especially for your prayers. On a lighter note, I’m very pleased to report that my eyesight is, in fact, well. After visiting your sight–before realizing that snow (or pearls) was/were falling from the top of your page, I thought the pixelating which occurred in the text I was reading was something related to brain fry! LOL!!! I had a hearty chuckle when I discovered what was going on. Thanks for wisdom, and for laughter.
Robin Kelley
Thank you for sharing the laugh with me! I am honored to pray for you and will continue to do so.
HannahMom2B
You’re not alone. I am listening to my three yr old rant and rave during our nightly bedtime battle. I am downstairs because he doesn’t want me he wants daddy but then he changes his mind every three second therefore throwing himself into another fit. I am praying he doesn’t wake up his 5 month old brother in the next room! There are glimpses of his sweet funny personality but then this monster comes out. Sometimes when he is melting I hold him tight and just pray for Jesus’ peace to come over us. It us hard. The hardest thing ever.
Robin Kelley
Yes, it is hard, but in the end, if you persevere in molding your child into the Godly man or woman equipped to follow His plan for their life, it will be the most rewarding thing you ever do. There were days I didn’t think I was going to survive to see my son turn 18, but you know what? I did. Not on my own, though. You most certainly have to have God carrying you both all the way. Thanks for sharing. I really wish I had known I was not the only one when I was in the middle of my journey.
I want to commend you on holding your child tight and praying for him when he is having a melt down. I think this is more valuable to him at that moment than anything else you can do. See my next post Monday for more of an explanation.
JENNIFER
Robin You’re an answer to my prayers! I recently posted on facebook about being the mother of a strong willed child. I was a strong willed child and all I could do is call my mom in tears and tell her I’m sorry for whatever I did to her and my dad. All she could tell me was I will be ok just turn to God and pray everyday! When you said at the beginning of facing the fact that you have a strong willed child and then at the end of saying when you see a child pitching a fit in the store pray for that mom. That meant alot! My husband and I got a much needed time alone to pick up a few Christmas ornaments and eat a dinner by ourselves. While shopping their was numerous kids crying and screaming. I looked at my husband and said “that’s why we left ours at home”. I felt bad but was so happy to get time away! Noone seems to understand we just need time to clear our heads and enjoy time alone! I feel like having kids sometimes was more of a punishment! You helped me realize that motherhood is more of a ministry! That’s an answered prayer of what I’m going through! I’ve always wanted to be involved in the ministry and work with kids! HELLO! LOL God answered that prayer by blessing me as a MOM!
Robin Kelley
You have discovered two very important points in this discussion – you are taking care of yourself and your marriage by getting away for a few hours, and you have a proper perspective. Our tendency is to feel we are doing something wrong or are being punished for something when, in fact, we are highly favored because we have been entrusted with children who are going to one day do great and mighty things for the kingdom. Thanks for sharing, Jennifer.